Description:For Shawn, who left us five years ago today. (Pic is of me by his bed in the NICU--yes, he's in there, just very TINY!)
Journaling: Dearest Shawn,
I’m writing this just minutes after the anniversary of your death. Somedays it seems just like yesterday, amazing how my mind can keep some memories so fresh. Every August is a month of anniversaries and memories for me, and I can’t help but relive them in your honor each year. I’m determined to keep your memory alive no matter how short your little life was. Some details that are fuzzy, but I do the best I can with what my mind remembers.
You were determined to be born that morning—it didn’t matter to you that it was too early! So at 1:42 am on August 10, 2003, you came into our world. You were whisked off to another room so fast that we had to be told you actually cried out loud before you were intubated. Man, what I would give to hear that cry now! I barely remember getting to see you while I recovered from surgery. I know I got to touch you, but it upsets me that I can’t remember that first touch. I do remember how excited your Pop was when Daddy told him your names. With pride he said, “that sounds a lot like John Phillip.” I was so glad he liked it. The next few days were a blur, but in general I remember you doing much better than your brother. It was during these first few hours that I realized how different you can love your children, but still love them the same. You were the oldest and I saw you as the strong, silent type. Just biding your time and spending each day getting better and stronger. Of course Clayton being the youngest, he kept us on our toes constantly—craving attention from day one! All the while, you calmly fought your battles—never having any major troubles. I do remember that the doctors talked about 72 hours being a magical number—your first milestone reached if you could make it that long. So EARLY Wednesday morning, Daddy and I left my hospital room to go be with you to celebrate in the NICU. We began to bond with you both that quiet night. That whole first week was spent watching your ventilator settings and keeping up with Clayton’s issues. And that first weekend was spent juggling the task of visiting you both at different hospitals since Clayton had been moved. We were so relieved when you moved to ACH on the 18th. You even got a bed right next to Clayton’s! Again, the second week proved to be a battleground for Clayton, while you made improvements each day. I was overjoyed when you started “drinking” my breast milk 1 cc at a time—I was finally a part of your care!!! And it was so neat to watch your little mouth do the sucking motion on the ventilator tube—you were definitely ready to eat!! Another big memory of that week is how you literally tried to crawl out of the bed a couple of times. One doctor told us he had never seen another 24-weeker just days old and still so agile. We were beaming because we just knew you were advanced!!! We were starting to settle into a routine, learning the ropes of life in the NICU. We visited you and Clayton on the night of the 25th and it ended up being a very special time. It was just us, our little family (and all the NICU babies and staff). It was quiet that night in the nursery and we were able to bond as best we could with you both. We loved your strawberry blonde hair and how you responded to our touch. But YOU made our night when you had opened your right eye to peek at us! We were ECSTATIC! It’s like we could finally see into your little world! I thank the Lord for that night. It was as if you were sending us a sign of some sort, a sign that you were going to be okay. We had no clue that it would come in the form of us having to say goodbye though. And even though you aren’t here today, you are still with us in spirit—a vital part of our beings. I love you so much, Shawn! And as long as I’m living, I will always remember . . . Love, Momma 8/28/08
beautiful journaling, my heart goes out to you, I hope scrapping these memories is a helpful form of therapy, it sure makes the rest of us appreciate just how precious the gift of life is. Take care and thanks for sharing.
I love to read journaling & this is just beautiful. I'm fighting back the tears as I type this! What courage it takes to tell your story...but a wonderful tribute to your son!
Wahhh! I opened this because I loved the colors----no idea it was going to totally make my mascara run. What a beautiful, beautiful tribute to your little fighter. So sad and so touching. Loved the journaling and the calendar. Sorry for your loss. xo
