Description:I did this for a DT team assignment at A Million Little Things but it's something I wanted to share here too.
I can pinpoint the minute I felt it set in – the heaviness settling around me and wrapping me up in a heavy cloak of post partum depression.
The situation leading up before Morgan’s birth wasn’t ideal but it was how life works out sometimes. We were living out of boxes, preparing to move into our new house with what would be a 3 week old baby. No nesting, no setting up, no decorating.
Physically I wasn’t at my best – I was incredibly swollen from having gained over 65lbs due to having excessive fluid and the complications that went along with that.
When my water broke, my contractions didn’t start so I was induced, had a full labour and 2 days later, Morgan was born in the early morning hours by an emergency c-section.
No longer carrying a baby, I lost fluid very rapidly – 45 of the 65lbs came off in 2 weeks which was incredibly hard on my body. Trying to regulate my existing hypothyroidism became impossible.
The first couple days home were sleepless but I didn’t manage too badly. About day 6, I felt it. I remember even commenting to Brad that I felt odd and didn’t know what was going on.
I would cry when Brad would leave for work – and when he returned. When the sun would set, the anxiety attacks would set in. I would try and eat but food in my mouth made me gag. My milk dried up and breastfeeding became a nightmare as I couldn’t produce enough. All night, I would lay in bed awake, unable to fall asleep or hold my screaming, starving baby.
I felt totally numb, like someone I didn’t know had taken over my body. I would have never considered I would ever have to face something like this, no history of depression and a happy, easy going personality. I felt like my body had turned on me and I didn’t know how to cope, to deal with what was happening. People didn’t understand, having not ever been through it and chalked it up to lack of sleep.
The next couple months became a blur of trying to just fulfill the basic needs of Morgan and I. I adored my new munchkin and tried to put on a brave face for both him and everyone around us and acted how I thought a new mother should.
Slowly, over time, things got better. Moving helped enormously. Acknowledging to myself that I was not a failure as a mother because I wasn’t able to breastfeed or had to call my mom at 5am to come take my baby for a few hours. Friend who came over to hold him so I could cry in the bathtub. Making myself get up, showered and dressed every morning and make an effort to leave the house. Taking time out when Brad got home to be alone and just breathe.
The months went by and one day I would up and as quickly as it had hit, it dawned on me that it was creeping away. I was beginning to feel normal. Slowly the pieces of me had started to slide back into place to fit me back together as the person I knew. I was no longer numb. I was me again – proof that life after post partum depression really does go on.
Does it scare me that it could happen again after another baby? Absolutely. Maybe it will strike again. But when I think about completing our family with one more baby, the fear melts away – when it comes to my family, nothing is going to bring this mama down.
Products Used:Bazzill Cardstock, KI Memories Black Botanical; American Crafts Chipboard Heart, KI Ice Candy flower, May Arts Ribbon; Square 721BT; Memories Ink, Creative Memories corner rounder
