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Username Post: I'm angry        (Topic#331708)
carpe scrapum 
SJ Divalicious
Posts: 15985
carpe scrapum
Reg: 12-27-05

08-26-14 08:10 AM - Post#4119860    

So yesterday I was talking to a friend about Bianca getting her legs shaved by her cousin before school. Another friend overheard me and asked why she was shaving so early. I said both Bianca and Mia have been "trimming" their arms and legs since first grade. She turned to another lady and started to talk about me being in my own world where I do things my way because the seem right to me and that world is where I stay safely tucked from reality. She said it smiling/in a joking tone. I didn't find it funny. What she would have heard coming out of my mouth if she stopped for one second to hear me out instead of acting like an azz would have been the fact that I started this at the girls' request because they were being made fun of as the are super hairy. She would also have heard that I had long discussions about doing this with the girls' pediatrician before I started trimming them. I have a myriad of explanations. All of which she missed because she was too busy being a bully.

She is always commenting on how useless my kids will be as adults because I "spoil" them with things. Anyone who knows my kids absolutely adores them for the kind, generous, well mannered and hard working kids they are. I can give them not only my love and guidance but also "things". Lucky them! I thank God for being able to provide all of that and they are thankful for that too. Believe me, we do teach them about being grateful and giving back to those with less.

Parenting comes in all different shapes and forms. As long as the kids are happy, healthy, wholesome beings, your way is no better than mine. I doubt there is one parent out the with the perfect formula. We all do what works for our family. I'm mad that she was so nasty. Not the first time by the way. She tracks me quite often.

I don't think our relationship will be going forward much at all. Unfortunately she does belong to the same group of friends as I do and we see each other at least three times a week. I do have to be nice and I am not going to say anything because I won't dignify her low ways with a response. Not my style. I might say something generalized in Facebook and she might get the point. Or not...

I just wanted to vent. Sorry, I'm just so mad!

 
Gramma - Claudia 
SJ Eloquent One
Posts: 4353
Gramma - Claudia
Reg: 06-23-03

08-26-14 08:19 AM - Post#4119864    
    In response to carpe scrapum

I can never think fast enough for a snappy comeback when I'm in one of those situations. But I always want to say - right to the person - "Why ever would you speak about me in such a negative way?"

When the response is - "I was just joking" you say - "Well the indicator for a joke is that more that one person laughs. What you said hurt my feelings"



Edited by Gramma - Claudia on 08-26-14 08:20 AM. Reason for edit: No reason given.

 
3 Little Ladies 
SJ Deity
Posts: 72765
3 Little Ladies
Reg: 03-10-05

08-26-14 08:54 AM - Post#4119866    
    In response to Gramma - Claudia

"It was a joke." Your response, "I'm not laughing." I think that sums it up, and she would know you didn't appreciate her comment. You don't owe her explanations as to why YOUR daughters are shaving. It's none of her business.

People will always judge. I'll post a quote that you can share on FB. lol I saved it awhile ago.

 
3 Little Ladies 
SJ Deity
Posts: 72765
3 Little Ladies
Reg: 03-10-05

08-26-14 08:57 AM - Post#4119868    
    In response to 3 Little Ladies

I posted it. For those not on FB it just says "They will judge me anyway, so whatever."

 
Aunt Rosy 
SJ Grand Poobah
Posts: 1195
Aunt Rosy
Reg: 10-27-08

08-26-14 09:15 AM - Post#4119870    
    In response to 3 Little Ladies

I don't know your friend but she sounds jealous of the relationship you have with your daughters and is jealous of you. Try to ignore her and don't stoop to her level. Don't mean to sound preachy!

 
carpe scrapum 
SJ Divalicious
Posts: 15985
carpe scrapum
Reg: 12-27-05

08-26-14 09:22 AM - Post#4119872    
    In response to Aunt Rosy

I so agree with every word you all said! And thank you for that, I'm insecure as it is about everything I do with and for my girls. I just want to be a good mom. I do mess up, I do find myself asking my girls for forgiveness at times. But I can honestly say, they are happy, healthy girls with big kind hearts and I hope I had a little to do with it.

Jen, I might use that quote. Thank you!!!!

 
RedSquirrel 
SJ Queen of the Crop
Posts: 32472
RedSquirrel
Reg: 06-13-08

08-26-14 09:22 AM - Post#4119874    
    In response to Aunt Rosy

Yeah, what Jen said, and Rosy, and Claudia.

I was starting to say that darker leg hair shows earlier, and more, but Jen is right. You don't owe her an explanation. Having said that, maybe she needs it pointed out to her unimaginative self. What business is it of hers whether/when your girls shave? For goodness sake!

 
carpe scrapum 
SJ Divalicious
Posts: 15985
carpe scrapum
Reg: 12-27-05

08-26-14 09:40 AM - Post#4119876    
    In response to RedSquirrel

True that Rosey!

 
Judge Amy 
SJ Diva
Posts: 5728
Judge Amy
Reg: 01-27-05

08-26-14 01:20 PM - Post#4119938    
    In response to carpe scrapum

You have to be nice
and
You aren't going to say anything
.
.
.

Why? Because you are in the same group of friends? It isn't your style?
Yet, you are required to be around her three days per week.
Your silence speaks louder than anything else you can verbalize.
Your silence says it is okay for her to make fun of you, for her to make fun of your child. Your silence tells her it is okay for her to be a bully, it tells the others there that it is okay for her to do what she is doing.
And when the children hear it, they will mimic her, and your child will suffer.
If your child overhears any of this, your silence will tell her that what the woman says is right and that mommy won't fight for her.

Mommy - stand up for your child, even if you won't stand up for yourself.
You don't have to be mean or nasty, but you can let her know what a bully-******* she is with a simple comeback that puts her in her place or embarrasses the Hell out of her.


 
carpe scrapum 
SJ Divalicious
Posts: 15985
carpe scrapum
Reg: 12-27-05

08-26-14 01:54 PM - Post#4119946    
    In response to Judge Amy

Ugh, you squeezed my heart! I know you are right also! I really don't even know what to say. My first instinct is to clock her on the nose. If she continues this behavior I can't imagine I could keep silent. She really made me mad! Thank you for a different perspective!

 
GwynnAsbury 
SJ Eloquent One
Posts: 3880
GwynnAsbury
Reg: 01-05-06

08-26-14 01:59 PM - Post#4119952    
    In response to carpe scrapum

Just some additional food for thought. This woman sounds toxic and not very kind. It is okay to ask your friends that you meet at another time when you do not have to see her - in other words, invite those you do like to do an alternative activity not including this woman. If they need an explanation share with them the truth - that you two don't get along and she often says things which make you feel uncomfortable and rather than make them choose or tolerate feeling bad, you have chosen to join you in an alternative activity? AND you really should have a prepared canned response for when she is unkind like "When you do X I feel hurt and embarrassed."

 
carpe scrapum 
SJ Divalicious
Posts: 15985
carpe scrapum
Reg: 12-27-05

08-26-14 03:57 PM - Post#4119960    
    In response to GwynnAsbury

I would totally change the setting of our group but that is our Zumba group and I don't want to give it up since it's such a huge part of my fitness motivation.

When she isn't being grossly unkind she is actually genuinely nice to me. My instinct tells me that she has a love hate feeling for me. I think she truly likes me but feels somehow threatened by me in all our similarities. She was queen until I came along and started making friends. I'm super nice to her so it's hard to have anything against me. Instead she lashes out when she can.

I will see if I come to build a spine and can say something to her that isn't immature or mean. Until then, will you guys still love me if I vent to ya?

 
Nora 
Blue Crew Member
Posts: 53713
Nora
Reg: 01-22-03

08-26-14 04:16 PM - Post#4119966    
    In response to GwynnAsbury

I can understand why you are hurt if this woman continually says hurtful things to you. You are a good mother and do what is right for YOUR family. It is no one else's business UNLESS you are asking for their advice.

However, I will say that my friends and I speak like this to each other. We have known each other A LONG time and know the peccadilloes in each others lives. We all parent differently, know what works for us, but sometimes make fun of each other for it. And we talk to each other about what we find the hardest and give each other advice. It truly doesn't bother me. But they are my FRIENDS. If they really hurt my feelings, I would tell them.

I know my child is a good kid. She is polite, kind and when she sees my friends, their kids LOVE her. (My friends all have boys and they are younger. Can you say crush? They all do!!) I know I am a good mother and I do the best I can. That is all anyone can ask for.

I put her first, as I know you do your children, Vivi. Can everyone say that? I personally know a lot of people that don't. Their hair appointments, massages, nails etc.. are more important then going to a school event. And yes, I judge!! They are the first people that would criticize MY parenting.

So I guess what I am saying in all this is what I tell Charlotte all the time. Consider the source. How are this woman's kids? Do you quietly judge her? Do you think she is jealous of you? Sometimes if you put it in that light, her comments might sting less. And yes, I would stick up for yourself but in a quiet way. You do not have to be confrontational about it but she does need to know that she hurt your feelings.

Edited by Nora on 08-26-14 04:21 PM. Reason for edit: No reason given.

 
Judge Amy 
SJ Diva
Posts: 5728
Judge Amy
Reg: 01-27-05

08-26-14 10:45 PM - Post#4120004    
    In response to Nora

I wouldn't tell her she hurt you. I would simply come up with a simple response for when she pulls this crap.

"Name, are you trying to be funny?"
"Did you really just try to make a joke out of that?"
"Are you always rude, or do you practice at it?"

It doesn't matter if sometimes she is nice and other times she isn't. Hot and Cold does not make good friends.
If you think that there might be a salvageable friendship there, then why don't you wait for her outside the building and pull her aside. Ask her straight out if she is intentionally trying to be rude to you. See what she says.
If you don't care if you become friends, then say something to her the moment she starts.


 
qaustriangirl 
SJ Divalicious
Posts: 11568
qaustriangirl
Reg: 05-27-05

08-26-14 11:05 PM - Post#4120016    
    In response to Judge Amy

I only have to second what everyone else said, you are a good mom, even the best mom makes mistakes. So, don't be insecure about what you do! Your kids, your decisions and there will always be some, who know it better!

 
scrappinmamma 
SJ Eloquent One
Posts: 2718
scrappinmamma
Reg: 01-07-07

08-27-14 07:48 AM - Post#4120050    
    In response to qaustriangirl

Vivi,

I agree with everyone else. Unfortunately there are so many moms like her, every where you go.

I started a Bunko group 5 years ago and 2 moms asked for another 2 moms to be in the group that I didn't know. And I had the same thing happen. But instead of just 1 mom, I had 3 bullies, who said things, purposely didn't invite me to parties, while all the other members were invited and they flat out refused to speak to me when they saw me. Not even Hello.

Then all members would talk about the party everyday for 2 weeks in front of me. All the while, I was dealing with a child with special needs, a sister who was sick and passed away (I made all of her arrangements).

I was their whipping boy. I finally quit Bunko and within 3 mos
The group fell apart. The other members had witnessed thier vileness and didn't want to be in their cross hairs. They also stopped going to their parties.

So 2 years ago, I started treating them the way they treated me. When I ran into them, I didn't say anything, I just ignored them, not even saying Hello. 1 mom moved and now for the past year, the other 2 bully moms are trying to be my friend.

Thanks, but no thanks, I just ignore them. I am just giving you food for thought.

 
GwynnAsbury 
SJ Eloquent One
Posts: 3880
GwynnAsbury
Reg: 01-05-06

08-27-14 08:07 AM - Post#4120054    
    In response to scrappinmamma

It's Zumba.... could you "accidentally" kick her in the head?

 
rottiefan 
SJ Divalicious
Posts: 18025
rottiefan
Reg: 11-03-06

08-27-14 09:47 AM - Post#4120064    
    In response to GwynnAsbury

Gosh, sorry this got so long!! You go Viv. Do what feels right to you for you and the girls. She probably should be put in her place even if it makes a few ripples. As my mom always said, "She'll get over it or be mad for an awful long time." Most times there is some truth behind "joking" with a lot of people. My thoughts are unless you're best buds (which you're not) and she took you aside and was genuinely concerned about the trimming (don't know why she would but some people are overly concerned about everything!) then ok you guys could talk in private. But no she took the passive aggressive stance to "out" you and talk about you and your parenting publicly then cop out by saying it was a joke, but this is just MHO. I have no problem putting snotty moms in their place anymore, because I am no longer nice. I used to be, to a fault, no more. People do what they want (whether it be nice, bad, etc.), and I can't control that, BUT I can control how I react to them, and I feel much better getting it out (bc it seems no one else holds back anymore in order to be polite to me or my kids). And I no longer am quiet when I should speak out because, again, almost no one else is!!! So many people are in everyone else's business all the time when they shouldn't be, and I'm done with that. And I will speak up to kids bugging my kids. One girl in volleyball practice told my son they were putting the balls up (he had one because he was getting the ones out of bounds; we were picking up dd) and she said it again. He was walking her way, but I guess not fast enough for her, guess she thinks she's the ball queen?! So I looked right at her and said, "He's coming!" (in my teacher voice). She shut up. Now I didn't say anything to her that I'd not say to anyone else in public so that's what I go by (adults might be another story tho!). This girl has always been irritating and caused problems with my daughter (back-and-forth like kids do). So anytime I see her or her mom or anyone else for that matter (yes her mom has said some things to my kid before, more than once, and one time the woman turned around and my husband was standing right there giving her the death stare--he can give a mean a$$ look too, and I had to laugh at that as she smiled weakly and side-stepped him!!) saying something I question, I get involved. Sorry got sidetracked there! Anyway, hang tough Viv!



 
carpe scrapum 
SJ Divalicious
Posts: 15985
carpe scrapum
Reg: 12-27-05

08-27-14 02:42 PM - Post#4120102    
    In response to rottiefan

Ok, first of all. Gwynn, you had me busting out laughing! I always talk like that LOL

Second, all your words and opinions are like balm to my soul. Thank you.

I went to the gym this morning with two of the friends from the group. Not the one with the nasty comments. I told one of them about it, we are very close, and she was like "oh yuck, that's nasty!". She was mad too and talked about jealousy and insecurity. It made me feel better to know that 1) I'm not crazy and 2) I have her support.

For those of you not on Facebook, I posted a series of anti bullying quotes in an attempt at provoking some thought. I know it's passive aggressive, but I'm spineless!

 
Judge Amy 
SJ Diva
Posts: 5728
Judge Amy
Reg: 01-27-05

08-28-14 07:10 AM - Post#4120208    
    In response to carpe scrapum

Here -share this one too:
https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=7353658031765...

 
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