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Username Post: how much contact        (Topic#327916)
gingersfavorite 
SJ Queen of the Crop
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gingersfavorite
Reg: 08-13-07

08-18-13 10:20 PM - Post#4075244    

with an ex - do you think is normal (or necessary) when the kid is 22 ?

 
RedSquirrel 
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RedSquirrel
Reg: 06-13-08

08-19-13 02:18 AM - Post#4075256    
    In response to gingersfavorite

Contact with you or contact with the kid?

"Necessary" - none I suppose, as long as any required payments are coming in as they should.

"Normal" would depend on the relationship you had with the ex. Events where, as parents, you would both be expected to attend, and it would be unfair on your child to have to deal with your historical fight. Their life events such as your child's engagement, wedding, babies, mutual gatherings involving your off-spring.

Is that what you mean?

 
hockeymom24 
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hockeymom24
Reg: 04-03-11

08-19-13 05:18 AM - Post#4075268    
    In response to RedSquirrel

normal contact. Maybe a phone call here and there if there was a concern? I wouldn't expect my ex to come over and spend hours at my house with our kid unless it was a family event that you wanted both parents there.
I wouldn't go out of my way to spend time with my ex.

 
Beth Ann 
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Beth Ann
Reg: 01-23-03

08-19-13 05:39 AM - Post#4075272    
    In response to hockeymom24

I think it also depends how independent the 22 year old is...

Someone living on his or her own, self sufficient, is different than someone still being supported by one or both parents.

I hope my ex and I are able to remain as cordial as we are now, as the kids grow up. In fact, I hope we're able to do more things as friends as time goes by.

 
Judge Amy 
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Judge Amy
Reg: 01-27-05

08-19-13 07:05 AM - Post#4075278    
    In response to Beth Ann

Depends on the relationship they share.

Whatever they deem to be necessary, basically.

They are both adults and as such can determine what is normal for their relationship.


Many 22yo adults have little contact with their own parents other than an occasional phone call or dinner visit, so expecting contact, even with an ex, may be having high expectations.

 
gingersfavorite 
SJ Queen of the Crop
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gingersfavorite
Reg: 08-13-07

08-19-13 08:52 AM - Post#4075298    
    In response to Judge Amy

Yep Rosey, that's what I meant; and think each of you have a good perspective on it. After much discussion, we've come to the conclusion that M's ex is too dependent on him (emotionally?) when it comes to the kiddo's. Really it's just the son, as the dd is married, settled and stable. Now the ds is not really unstable (well... not anymore than the typical 22/yo boy : ) lol Yet she texts and calls M regularly, with blown out of proportion drama & what-ifs.

She's shown up at our (her old) house unannounced numerous times over the past few years (since I've been in the picture) and occasionally calls a sudden meeting between M, their dd and herself (to discuss the ds's future, school / career choices) etc.

We've discussed it off and on but it really came to head yesterday, when we hauled the remainder of ds's furniture 1.5 hours from home, down to his college apartment (third year there, he'd previously been at the frat house). The ex had gone early to clean. So we all unloaded, made idle chit chat, then M and I went on our way. Stopped and did some much needed shopping on our way home, picked Zoey up from grooming & finally got home just before 6pm. Within an hour, M comes bolting into the bedroom where I'm changing sheets and said he'd be outside, the ex had just text'd him from OUR picnic table (brought the 25/yo dd w/her) was crying, and needed to talk.

I went out with him. The ds had text'd mom just before, saying he'd made a mistake. She called him and he said he couldn't stay. Didn't want to / couldn't be there (at school) and wanted to come home. So they ring him up & put him on speaker phone. After the short phone call.... he's headed home. He stopped by here briefly around 10 last night, but stayed at his moms.

Now obviously, this is a circumstance where you would hope ex's could communicate a bit. But.... it reopened the conversation as to what is normal or necessary discussion between ex's when your kids are 21+ (sorry so long ; )

 
Beth Ann 
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Beth Ann
Reg: 01-23-03

08-19-13 09:31 AM - Post#4075312    
    In response to gingersfavorite

Well, it sounds like YOU are in a tough spot. I guess I would say as long as the ex's conversations center around the son, (or daughter), you kinda can't ask M to distance himself. If HE feels a desire to distance himself, just support him as you can.

 
hockeymom24 
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hockeymom24
Reg: 04-03-11

08-19-13 10:14 AM - Post#4075316    
    In response to Beth Ann

his ex should be calling before she just shows up at your place. that's called respect.

 
carpe scrapum 
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carpe scrapum
Reg: 12-27-05

08-19-13 10:17 AM - Post#4075320    
    In response to hockeymom24

She's a little needy huh?

 
scrapanda 
SJ Diva
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scrapanda
Reg: 03-04-07

08-19-13 11:06 AM - Post#4075330    
    In response to carpe scrapum

She definitely sounds needy but I agree with Beth Ann - as long as the conversations are focused around the son I wouldn't be too concerned but ya, she should definitely be calling ahead if she is coming over.

 
CBisme 
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CBisme
Reg: 10-05-07

08-19-13 01:49 PM - Post#4075354    
    In response to scrapanda

My ex does this with me since he gets really upset when dd is disrespectful or doesn't listen and he wants me to parent her on his time over the phone or in an emergency meeting. Sigh.

I find it sad and strange but since my involvement does help, I do it and I mind way less than ticking him off and forcing him to handle a situation (probably poorly) on his own. It's helpful that dh feels the same way and supports me.

 
gingersfavorite 
SJ Queen of the Crop
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gingersfavorite
Reg: 08-13-07

08-19-13 02:31 PM - Post#4075358    
    In response to CBisme

Thanks ladies! Mark always rolls his eyes, sighs &/or complains a bit when she continually makes contact, yet to this point, has let it slide. After last nights unannounced arrival at our house though (which opened up more in depth convo between he & I about it) he's ready to speak up.

In moving the son back out of his apt. this morning, ds said (in reference to a convo w/friends) "Uhh I think I'm capable of making my own decisions" which was confirmation for Mark.

He's going to set the boundaries with her tonight. I'll let ya know how it goes

 
scrappinmamma 
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scrappinmamma
Reg: 01-07-07

08-19-13 03:16 PM - Post#4075364    
    In response to gingersfavorite

Good luck Stephanie! I know she has been a pain from time to time. It's interesting how she did him wrong and now that he s happily married to you; she feels that she has a right to be put first on her command.

You and Mark be strong and laugh all the way to your Golden Years!

 
gingersfavorite 
SJ Queen of the Crop
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gingersfavorite
Reg: 08-13-07

08-19-13 07:06 PM - Post#4075380    
    In response to scrappinmamma

Aw thank you Kathleen, couldn't agree more!

It went amazingly well! We talked w/ds while unloading trucks at home this afternoon. Which btw... we've seen him smile more today than we did all summer Anywho, he totally understood & agreed. So Mark texts dd that he wants to talk for a minute (because knowing the ex, if M isn't available anymore, they will reap the fallout) Though she totally 'gets' it, I guess dd was like uhh, good luck w/that. LOL

So Mark texts the ex, says he'd like to come by for a minute, she says sure - yada yada. Lo & behold, she is on the deck w/her hubs and both kids : ) He very kindly spells it out that ds is an adult; capable of making his own decisions (and dealing w/the consequences) etc. I guess he first made it clear that it is not ok to show up at our house unannounced or uninvited. He said she was like oh-oh-ok I get that.... so if we need to talk, I'll just call or text? To which even her nimrod husband tapped her on the arm & said "Julie!" as Mark's head dropped & the kids

Finally, apparently she got it & kindly accepted. Though it wasn't planned as such, it coukdn't have gone any better. Fantastic that there were three witnesses



 
scrappinmamma 
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scrappinmamma
Reg: 01-07-07

08-19-13 07:12 PM - Post#4075382    
    In response to gingersfavorite

Hopefully it lasts! But I think she likes to be the center of attention and doesn't want to let go. I'm glad her DH is aware of what she is doing; hopefully he can remember and reiterate the conversation with her.

 
soccamom94 
SJ Grand Poobah
Posts: 1702

Reg: 12-29-05

08-19-13 08:17 PM - Post#4075388    
    In response to gingersfavorite

I had an ex problem years ago. He didn't call me a lot, but questioned our kids all the time and made inappropriate comments about my home, finances, etc. Finally, when our youngest daughter was a teenager I had had enough and I called him and told him to leave me alone. Not to call me, or drive into my yard, or ask questions about me. It was none of his business. I told him if there was an emergency with our children that he could contact me, but for no other reason. He actually complied. At least as far as I could tell. Now, 10 years later with our youngest child 26 years old, we see each other at the occasional birthday party for a grandchild and we are civil, but there is no small talk there. He is a stranger to me now and we've both had separate lives for 22 years. You have to stand your ground and be firm. If the college kid has issues, then that child is old enough to come to you. It shouldn't be his other parent that does it for him. Welcome to adulthood.

 
gingersfavorite 
SJ Queen of the Crop
Posts: 46662
gingersfavorite
Reg: 08-13-07

08-19-13 11:04 PM - Post#4075396    
    In response to soccamom94

Exactly Mark said next time I see her, should be when ds is getting married, or dd is having another kid

 
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