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Username Post: I need to string him by the, er, toes...        (Topic#323992)
carpe scrapum 
SJ Divalicious
Posts: 15632
carpe scrapum
Reg: 12-27-05

12-08-12 03:34 PM - Post#4030604    

Greg brought up Xmas with his sister in front of me at the club. Se freaked and said no way she would got to he restaurant. I knew it. I was dead silent during the whole exchange. Awkward... I almost died! I know she's mad now. She also said she won't come over for gift exchange either. She's the only one being difficult and it makes me not want to do anything at all. I know Greg is stressed out about too but I could have strangled him for doing this with me there. He knows I avoid confrontation like the plague!

 
gingersfavorite 
SJ Queen of the Crop
Posts: 46552
gingersfavorite
Reg: 08-13-07

12-08-12 03:35 PM - Post#4030606    
    In response to carpe scrapum

{{ big hugs }}

 
kaleidoscope 
SJ Queen of the Crop
Posts: 27000
kaleidoscope
Reg: 02-13-09

12-08-12 03:41 PM - Post#4030608    
    In response to gingersfavorite

shrug it off and just say her loss. She doesn't get to dictate who's hosting and where.

 
RedSquirrel 
SJ Queen of the Crop
Posts: 31745
RedSquirrel
Reg: 06-13-08

12-08-12 03:44 PM - Post#4030610    
    In response to gingersfavorite

Oh no! I'm sorry Vivi.

I don't understand why she is so dead set on coming to your house though? What's wrong with a restaurant? Our families used to meet for Christmas dinner in a pub for years.

Is it snobbery? Tradition? What?

 
carpe scrapum 
SJ Divalicious
Posts: 15632
carpe scrapum
Reg: 12-27-05

12-08-12 04:51 PM - Post#4030612    
    In response to RedSquirrel

I think she has a very strong sense of how things should be in her head for her girls and is unable to deviate from that. I think it has a lot to do with the fact that her girls don't have a stable involved father and she tries to protect the world she's created for them even at the cost of others' happiness or convenience. I am very upset that she feels she has to host now and said she won't be coming if we have it at the restaurant. It's always her way or the highway. This is why we don't go on vacation with her anymore. I'm so done with all this crap, I really am. Her stubbornness has gotten out of control and I can't say that I will always be there for her as I have been for the past years. Calls in the middle of the night for me to come over for one crisis or another. Endless hour at the er alone with her when she was having issues with her PFO. Groceries brought to her because we wanted to help her with the lack of child support. Huge gifts for her and her girls always. I can go on and on... I doubt she stops to think about how this affects Greg or I at all.

 
RedSquirrel 
SJ Queen of the Crop
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RedSquirrel
Reg: 06-13-08

12-08-12 05:00 PM - Post#4030616    
    In response to carpe scrapum

Bummer. She sounds far too sensitive for comfort. Maybe it's time for her to have a few home truths pointed out to her. I hate how Christmas so often brings these bubbling-under niggles to a crisis.

 
rottiefan 
SJ Divalicious
Posts: 17864
rottiefan
Reg: 11-03-06

12-08-12 05:40 PM - Post#4030618    
    In response to RedSquirrel

So she's insisting on having it at her house now? With you guys to it at her house?

 
FloridaScrapper 
SJ Deity
Posts: 84636
FloridaScrapper
Reg: 07-02-04

12-08-12 05:44 PM - Post#4030620    
    In response to rottiefan

"oh I am so sorry you cant make it...we will miss you"

 
carpe scrapum 
SJ Divalicious
Posts: 15632
carpe scrapum
Reg: 12-27-05

12-08-12 05:50 PM - Post#4030628    
    In response to RedSquirrel

Well it sure won't be me to point them out, I'll probably take them to my grave. I'm just not going to make myself so available to her all the time...

 
kaleidoscope 
SJ Queen of the Crop
Posts: 27000
kaleidoscope
Reg: 02-13-09

12-08-12 05:54 PM - Post#4030634    
    In response to carpe scrapum

  • carpe scrapum Said:
Well it sure won't be me to point them out, I'll probably take them to my grave. I'm just not going to make myself so available to her all the time...




The problem is Vivi, you can't fix what you don't know is broken. If you don't tell people the problem then they can't do anything about it. Maybe they won't anyway but they can't if they don't know.

 
scrappinmamma 
SJ Eloquent One
Posts: 2541
scrappinmamma
Reg: 01-07-07

12-08-12 06:04 PM - Post#4030636    
    In response to kaleidoscope

I totally agree with Tam!

Maybe you could write a letter to her, listing all of the times that you and Greg have been there for her, all of the gifts, etc. and then say we don't understand why you don't realize this and why you couldn't accept our hosting at a restaurant.

If you think it would start WWIII, then I would wait until after the new year to send it. And I would have both you and Greg sign it.


 
Kimberly M 
SJ Diva
Posts: 9040
Kimberly M
Reg: 07-22-08

12-08-12 06:10 PM - Post#4030640    
    In response to scrappinmamma

It's such a hard situation, you want to keep the peace but sometimes it's just too much to keep putting up with. I have no advice because I'm not sure what I would do in that same situation, but I love ya ((hug))

 
kaleidoscope 
SJ Queen of the Crop
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kaleidoscope
Reg: 02-13-09

12-08-12 06:12 PM - Post#4030642    
    In response to scrappinmamma

I was thinking a letter, too. That way the person has to 'listen' (most people wouldn't be able to ignore a letter) and it lets you gather your thoughts and get your message across as best you can.
Also, "I" messages. I feel... otherwise it becomes blame (even if you're not wrong) and the person feels/becomes defensive. You want them to understand where you are coming from.

 
carpe scrapum 
SJ Divalicious
Posts: 15632
carpe scrapum
Reg: 12-27-05

12-08-12 06:29 PM - Post#4030648    
    In response to scrappinmamma

Tam, I couldn't agree with you more. Here is the issue though, I'm a terrible spineless jellyfish. I know my truths and have never felt I should have to argue for them. I am always the one to walk away. I have in the past lost it a little with her and confronted her very mildly but those where times that she was very clearly in the wrong and my heart almost jumped out of my chest each time. Se is not one to apologize at all and always ends up annoying me more by calling me every two minutes with some silly excuse.

 
carpe scrapum 
SJ Divalicious
Posts: 15632
carpe scrapum
Reg: 12-27-05

12-08-12 06:31 PM - Post#4030650    
    In response to kaleidoscope

  • kaleidoscope Said:
I was thinking a letter, too. That way the person has to 'listen' (most people wouldn't be able to ignore a letter) and it lets you gather your thoughts and get your message across as best you can.
Also, "I" messages. I feel... otherwise it becomes blame (even if you're not wrong) and the person feels/becomes defensive. You want them to understand where you are coming from.



I just don't know why but I feel so goofy writing a letter. I'm a hardened woman I suppose but I just don't want to dignify her actions with the time to write a letter and pour my heart out only to risk her wrath...

 
3 Little Ladies 
SJ Deity
Posts: 72160
3 Little Ladies
Reg: 03-10-05

12-08-12 07:18 PM - Post#4030654    
    In response to carpe scrapum

Does she feel like the restaurant is to impersonal? Have you told her that hosting stresses you out? Not that you should have to explain yourself, but maybe if you did she could see it from your point of view. I don't know. Sometimes no matter what you say or do some people just cant see beyond their own needs or wants, selfish. I have a family member like that.

 
carpe scrapum 
SJ Divalicious
Posts: 15632
carpe scrapum
Reg: 12-27-05

12-08-12 07:25 PM - Post#4030656    
    In response to 3 Little Ladies

Yes, I'm sure she feels like going to a restaurant will be impersonal and a pain to open presents there. But we got a room so that should not be a problem. And, we have talked countless of times about how entertaining while I have real little ones is not something I can handle at a large scale. She is just set in her ways and I think she feels she needs to make a point. It's dumb in my opinion. We are who we are and we handle what we can I ts not like I'm asking her to host...

 
rottiefan 
SJ Divalicious
Posts: 17864
rottiefan
Reg: 11-03-06

12-08-12 08:12 PM - Post#4030658    
    In response to carpe scrapum

No you're not asking her to host at all. But is she taking it upon herself now to host? Or will the others and you do the restaurant thing?

 
carpe scrapum 
SJ Divalicious
Posts: 15632
carpe scrapum
Reg: 12-27-05

12-08-12 08:40 PM - Post#4030662    
    In response to rottiefan

She has stated that she will be hosting and that will be that. No way will she go to the restaurant. Poor me, I always have to be the one to host... That seemed to be the underlined sentiment behind her words. My thinking is this. If you are the one who is set on always doing things a certain way, then you need to be prepared to always do the work. I'm not inclined on spending Xmas with half of those people anyway so why should I put the effort? Also, we did offer a solution. One we thought was quite generous at the very least.

I would never say this to her though...

 
RedSquirrel 
SJ Queen of the Crop
Posts: 31745
RedSquirrel
Reg: 06-13-08

12-09-12 02:28 AM - Post#4030676    
    In response to carpe scrapum

Sisters-in-law. Pfft. I've told you already what ours has done over our Christmas, haven't I?

 
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