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Username Post: social situations I don't understand        (Topic#322358)
kaleidoscope 
SJ Queen of the Crop
Posts: 27008
kaleidoscope
Reg: 02-13-09

09-25-12 06:49 PM - Post#4014386    

When out somewhere with someone and they ask if I want something (or to do something) that costs money. If they are asking with no other specifics I don't understand if I'm supposed to take it as an offer (their treat) or if I want to do (or eat) something but we each pay our own.
Like being at a food service counter and the person you're with asks if you want something. They don't say "it's my treat" or ask "are you getting anything?" which I can more easily assume they're asking if I'm getting myself something. But I'm afraid to assume that if someone asks if I want something that they're going to pay because then I'd feel like an @ss if that's not what they meant.
Or like tonight when we had bowling practice for the team. I was asked by someone if I wanted to bowl (this was separate from the athletes' practice, in our own lane). I asked if it was her treat because I didn't know if that's what she meant. She agreed but then by the way she said it (sort of hesitantly) I realized that's not what she meant so I said I'd pay for myself. It made me feel uncomfortable I even asked in the first place. If someone had said to me hey, you want to bowl and we'll each pay our own, then I might've just turned it down.
socialization is not something I'm good at.

 
gingersfavorite 
SJ Queen of the Crop
Posts: 46567
gingersfavorite
Reg: 08-13-07

09-25-12 06:52 PM - Post#4014390    
    In response to kaleidoscope

aw that stinks I can understand how the wording is vague and leaves you wondering.

 
scrappinmamma 
SJ Eloquent One
Posts: 2545
scrappinmamma
Reg: 01-07-07

09-25-12 06:56 PM - Post#4014394    
    In response to kaleidoscope

Don't worry Tam,

I have been there too. Sometimes I just don't know how to respond either. I hope someone has a good polite way to deal with this situation.

 
3 Little Ladies 
SJ Deity
Posts: 72170
3 Little Ladies
Reg: 03-10-05

09-25-12 07:10 PM - Post#4014400    
    In response to scrappinmamma

It's better to assume that you are going to pay your own way unless they actually say, "my/our treat."

 
FloridaScrapper 
SJ Deity
Posts: 84636
FloridaScrapper
Reg: 07-02-04

09-25-12 07:32 PM - Post#4014408    
    In response to 3 Little Ladies

I always treat if I ask otherwise you're on your
Own lol

 
CBisme 
SJ Divalicious
Posts: 14880
CBisme
Reg: 10-05-07

09-25-12 07:36 PM - Post#4014412    
    In response to FloridaScrapper

I assume it's dutch if it's an ambiguous "offer." I have a few friends where we treat back and forth for drinks, appetizers, etc. Everyone else, I assume that I pay. I don't feel comfortable letting anyone but a close friend (in the we treat each other group) paying.

 
kaleidoscope 
SJ Queen of the Crop
Posts: 27008
kaleidoscope
Reg: 02-13-09

09-25-12 07:48 PM - Post#4014420    
    In response to 3 Little Ladies

  • 3 Little Ladies Said:
It's better to assume that you are going to pay your own way unless they actually say, "my/our treat."



And that is why I usually just say no. Because if it hadn't been offered as a treat, I wouldn't have bought it myself.

 
kaleidoscope 
SJ Queen of the Crop
Posts: 27008
kaleidoscope
Reg: 02-13-09

09-25-12 07:55 PM - Post#4014428    
    In response to CBisme

  • CBisme Said:
I don't feel comfortable letting anyone but a close friend (in the we treat each other group) paying.



It took me a long time just to say yes when people would offer me a drink in their home even when I wanted to. I was always extremely shy/self-conscious growing up. Even when I started accepting I felt weird about it. For me, it's a lose/lose situation.

 
cindy312 
SJ Devotee
Posts: 364
cindy312
Reg: 04-28-10

09-26-12 10:14 AM - Post#4014490    
    In response to kaleidoscope

Yeah, that is really awkward. I ALWAYS assume the other person won't be treating me. So in the case of bowling, I would have said, "Well, I'd enjoy it, but it's not something I can afford right now, so I'll have to say no." If my companion had intended to pay, she would jump in with "Oh, it's my treat!" And then nothing is awkward.

 
Judge Amy 
SJ Diva
Posts: 5700
Judge Amy
Reg: 01-27-05

09-29-12 05:41 PM - Post#4015242    
    In response to cindy312

If it isn't something I would buy myself, I will generally say "I don't have the money to do that right now". This outs it back to them so they can say it is their treat if they had originally planned to treat, if they didn't then it allows for the conversation to move on with no uncomfortableness and no money out of pocket for me.

 
kaleidoscope 
SJ Queen of the Crop
Posts: 27008
kaleidoscope
Reg: 02-13-09

09-29-12 06:11 PM - Post#4015246    
    In response to Judge Amy

Yeah, but that doesn't fly if you're doing anything else you've spent money on. And I don't feel comfortable saying that if I actually did have the money, just that I wouldn't buy it for myself.
It would just make everything so much easier if people would be straightforward with what they mean.

 
RedSquirrel 
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RedSquirrel
Reg: 06-13-08

09-30-12 02:09 AM - Post#4015266    
    In response to kaleidoscope

Can you say something like "I have to choose carefully where my money goes"? I know what you mean about not being honest, but I don't think you have to justify yourself with an exact explanation to people who you are not intimate with. If they don't know your financial position already, then they are not close enough for you to be that detailed with.

You're right, it IS a difficult situation, because those who have the money don't realise, or forget what it's like for those who haven't. Then they don't factor in that consideration before they speak.

 
Nora 
Blue Crew Member
Posts: 53392
Nora
Reg: 01-22-03

10-06-12 01:42 PM - Post#4016446    
    In response to RedSquirrel

I just assume that I pay my own way. I do have friends where we treat back and forth.



 
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